


all these holes found in my armor

by munzie (enjolrasenthusiast)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-11 07:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3318344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolrasenthusiast/pseuds/munzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>I am so, so fucked</em>, Iwaizumi thought as he twisted the blanket in his hands, trying to hear Oikawa breathing from his place on the sofa. <em>This is probably what love is, right?</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i'd rather keep it secret

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! sorry i haven't posted anything in a while, i really do feel bad for being so inactive :c i have a whole bunch of fics in progress, i promise, just none that are ready to publish yet. im working on them though, slow and steady, so they should be coming up in a little bit!
> 
> anyway, this fic is more or less inspired by [don't call me at all](http://flatsound.bandcamp.com/track/dont-call-me-at-all), by the wonderful [flatsound](http://blog.flatsound.org/) (you should really listen to his music if you like mellow acoustic stuff, its really nice and calming)
> 
> this fic IS chaptered, but i have the entire story planned out already so i doubt you'll need to wait too long for updates! ~~im planning three chapters total (in correlation to the verses of the song), all i have to do is sit down and write them c:~~
> 
>  **EDIT:** actually, its going to be more than three chapters! it'll still follow the song, but there's just too much to fit it all into three chapters and still update within a reasonable timeframe. i'm thinking most likely five chapters, but that's not set in stone. again, the story is still the same, i'm just stretching it out more so i can expand on things i want to expand on!

_-_

_it's not that i don't have words to say_

_i just don't want to be the one that speaks them_

_i'd rather keep it secret until we reach it_

_so i'll rest my head on the glory of the sorrow_

_i know it's hard to swallow but tomorrow_

_we'll start new_

_now i remember the lines_

_i thought that i’d forgotten_

_your only flaw is that you’re flawless_

_i’m so full of shit_

_i’m surprised you bought it_

_and to say that i don’t care_

_is more or less astounding_

_because i wrote an entire album about us drowning_

 

_now i'm haunted by all these holes found in my armor_

_and if my heart beats any harder_

_i will lose it_

_well congratulations_

_i didn't know_

_you two had made things so official_

_just don't call me when it fizzles_

_in fact, don't call me at all_

-

Iwaizumi tried not to let Oikawa get to him. Really, he did. It was enough to get through the day, go to school, get coffee and study afterwards, go to sleep. It was a routine life, just like he had always led, and he was content. He had his own apartment now, a little one-bedroom that was closer to the campus than his parents were, comfortably furnished and kept pretty clean. Sunlight filtered in from the windows, and stacks of notebooks and loose papers dotted the counters and small table.

He tossed his keys on the kitchen counter when the door clicked shut, dropping his bag next to the wall and making a beeline for the fridge. His phone lay on the counter, display lit up, but Iwaizumi ignored it for the moment. He gulped down a glass of water and stuffed a freezer meal in the microwave before finally sitting down with a sigh. His phone lit up again.

He groaned and reached over for it, back stretching nicely as he did so - really, he didn’t think cramped lecture halls would be such a strain for him, an athlete - to see a little notification next to the phone icon. _2 new voicemails_ , the screen read.

Both from Oikawa, he figured.

The phone was left on the counter, speaker on, while Iwaizumi pulled his food from the microwave. “You have two unheard messages,” the computer said. “On Thursday, November 2nd, at 7:24 PM.”

There was a bit of static, then Oikawa’s voice filled the tiny kitchen. “Iwa-chan! You never have your phone on you anymore, how am I supposed to talk to you?” _Dumbass, I was in class._ “Anyway, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Is it cold there yet? It rained here in Tokyo yesterday, but I don’t think it got that far north. Ushi-chan says it only reached Takasaki, anyway. Takasaki, right? Ushi-chan?” His voice got fainter, like he was holding the phone away from his face, and there was an unintelligible reply in the background. _So he’s just Ushi-chan now, huh?_ “Yep, Takasaki! Honestly, it’s probably gonna rain again soon, but that doesn’t really matter. I won’t be-”

His voice cut off, and the computer chimed in again. “On Thursday, November 2nd, at 7:27 PM.”

“Sorry, sorry! The voicemail cut me off. See, we wouldn’t have this problem if you would just pick up your phone, would we? Anyway, I won’t be in Tokyo for the next few days or so, Ushi-chan and I have a week off of school and I’m coming back to Miyagi to see everyone. You’ll let me stay over, right, Iwa-chan? Of course you will, it’s not like you have a girlfriend or anything.” Oikawa’s bright laugh sounded from the phone, and Iwaizumi’s eye twitched. It was just like Oikawa to invite himself over like that. Iwaizumi didn’t have a choice in the matter, really, Oikawa would always win out. “Well, that’s about it for now, I’ll see you tomorrow yeah? Bye-bye, Iwa-chan!”

The message cut off, leaving the air in the kitchen feeling just a little too quiet for comfort. Iwaizumi groaned and got up, putting his excuse for a meal back into the fridge. His appetite was thoroughly spoiled, and Oikawa hadn’t even shown up yet. Amazing.

_Guess there’s nothing I can do, then._

He pulled on a beanie and scarf and headed out for a run.

-

The moon had risen high over the horizon by the time he returned, cheeks flushed from both the crisp autumn air and his run. The clock on his stove read 9:14, and he sighed quietly. His breath materialized in front of him, a puff of steam that disappeared as quickly as it had escaped his mouth.

_I’m coming back to Miyagi to see everyone._

Dumbass Oikawa, couldn’t he have given Iwaizumi a little more notice than that? This wasn’t high school anymore, when Oikawa could just walk back to Iwaizumi’s house after practice and head home for the night, just a few blocks away. No, he lived hours away now, and Iwaizumi lived considerably farther from his childhood home. That’s another thing, Iwaizumi thought. Why didn’t he just call his parents and stay there? It wasn’t like he’d left on rocky terms or anything, pretty much the opposite in fact. Iwaizumi knew Oikawa missed his mom and dad, maybe even more than he missed Iwaizumi and the rest of Seijou.

He sighed. _There’s nothing I can do about it, though._

-

Oikawa showed up the next day around noon, true to his word, with a duffel bag over his shoulder and a pair of sunglasses perched obnoxiously on top of his head. Iwaizumi stood at the door for a couple seconds, looking through the peephole and wondering whether it would be too late to pretend he wasn’t home. Oikawa’s face was a little distorted through the glass, and his head looked abnormally large. Iwaizumi snickered.

“I know you’re in there, Iwa-chan!”

Well, that was probably his cue.

Oikawa came in as soon as the door opened, all smiles and wide eyes as he took in Iwaizumi’s hastily cleaned apartment. He strolled in like it was his own home - and Iwaizumi wouldn’t doubt he thought it was, too - and set his bag down next to the couch. Iwaizumi shut the door but stayed close to it, rubbing his thumb and fingers together in an attempt to ease the tension in the air.

“I, uh-” Oikawa turned and fixed his eyes on Iwaizumi, a stare that was likely way more intense than it had any right to be. “I only have one bedroom, so I think have to put you up here in the living room. I can pull out a futon if you want, I might have one around here somewhere.”

“The couch is fine, don’t worry,” Oikawa replied, breaking his stare to look around the apartment again. Iwaizumi relaxed, even though he didn’t realize he was tense in the first place. “You’ve made a pretty decent place for yourself, haven’t you? I’m proud of you, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi grimaced. “We’re in college, Oikawa, don’t you think you can stop calling me Iwa-chan already?”

Oikawa tipped his head to the side and laughed brightly, the sound ringing like bells in the silence of the living room. “What do you mean, Iwa-chan? Would you rather I called you Iwaizumi? Man, that feels weird on my tongue, I can’t do that.” Iwaizumi supposed Oikawa had a point. It seemed almost stiflingly formal, not fitting their relationship at all. He took a moment to look at himself, to wonder if he hated the nickname as much as he said he did.

Honestly, he probably didn’t.

-

Oikawa was as talkative as ever, half leaning and half sitting on the barstool at the counter as Iwaizumi busied himself in the kitchen. Iwaizumi tuned him out for the most part, offering a grunt and nod whenever appropriate but focusing more on making dinner. Oikawa, on the other hand, ran his mouth at a speed Iwaizumi had forgotten was possible, talking about Tokyo and university and his new volleyball team with “Ushi-chan.” _When did he go from Ushiwaka to Ushi-chan?_

“Anyway, so we were 23-17 on this one no-name uni, when Ushi-chan turns to me and tells me not to lose my cool! _Me!_ Can you believe the nerve of-” Oikawa cut off, and Iwaizumi stiffened. “Iwa-chan, are you alright?”

“Hm, me? Yeah yeah, I’m fine.” Iwaizumi waved Oikawa off with the ladle in his hand. “You were saying?”

Oikawa grunted disbelievingly, but continued. “Of course, we ended up beating them.”

“Mmm.”

“Coach treated us all to dinner, and Ushi-chan got so drunk I had to help him back to our room. Funny, right? I never pegged him as a guy to drink, but I guess there’s lots of things I don’t know about him. After all, I didn’t grow up with him like I did with you.”

“Mmm.”

“Iwa-chaaaaaan,” Oikawa whined, drawing out the vowels and slumping over the counter for full dramatic effect. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just tired from class, don’t worry about it.”

Oikawa pulled a face but didn’t press it, instead opting to pout at Iwaizumi over the counter. “Need help with the food?”

“Don’t try to cook for me, dumbass, we both know you’d light this building on fire. It’s just about done, anyway.”

“I would not!”

“You would.” Iwaizumi held out a plate, which Oikawa accepted with an exaggerated sigh.

-

“Hey, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi looked up from the sink to see Oikawa leaning against the wall, t-shirt and toothbrush in hand. He jerked his head in the direction of the hallway. “Bathroom’s over there if you need it. On the left.”

“Oh no no, I know. I just wanted to say sorry, I know I didn’t give you much warning and just kind of barged in, but I really appreciate you letting me stay. It means a lot to me.”

Something happened to Iwaizumi at Oikawa’s words, words more sincere than most of the things that came out of that ever-smiling mouth of his. It was like someone was holding a candle to his shirt, unevenly heating him until patches of his skin were burned. He pushed away the urge to rub at his chest and steadfastly ignored it. _I can deal with this later. Or better yet, not at all._ He smiled at Oikawa, trying his very best to keep his expression normal. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. You’re always welcome.”

Oikawa chuckled and turned to leave, but Iwaizumi stopped him before he could.

“Wait, hang on.”

“Hmm?”

Iwaizumi dried his hands on his shirt. He sifted through one of the kitchen drawers for a few seconds before pulling out a set of keys. He tossed them to Oikawa. “Keys to the apartment, if you need to leave while I’m in class or something. The small one is for the laundry room downstairs, but I’ve got a washer here if you need it.”

“My my, Iwa-chan, this is pretty domestic, isn’t it?”

“Just shut up and take the damn keys.”

“Sorry, sorry. And thanks, too.”

“Don’t mention it.”

With that, Iwaizumi rolled up his sleeves and got back to work on the dishes, while Oikawa turned and made his way to the bathroom.

 


	2. your only flaw is that you're flawless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi realizes things. kageyama isn't much help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at me getting things done, im so proud of myself

-

If Iwaizumi was asked why he kept putting up with Oikawa, why he dealt with all the ridiculous antics he was put through, he probably wouldn’t be able to tell you. In fact, sometimes he was quite sure he couldn’t deal with it anymore. Sometimes he felt as though he was about to explode, or implode, or just reach out and wrestle Oikawa into submission before he fucked with Iwaizumi’s steady life any more.

This was one of those times.

He should have known when he came home, known from the incessant beeping of the fire alarm, that something was very wrong. He took a deep breath before unlocking the door, steeling himself for whatever disaster Oikawa had caused inside. His first thought upon entering was that Oikawa had caught something on fire. Which, in hindsight, wasn’t entirely untrue.

The kitchen was dark, and for a moment Iwaizumi thought Oikawa had left the lights off. That is, until he walked in and his nose and eyes were assaulted with the ashy sting of smoke. He hissed and shut his eyes, feeling around for a spare notebook to fan the air with.

“Oikawa, what the fuck happened?”

“Okay okay, I can explain, I promise.”

Iwaizumi paused his incessant fanning and folded his arms, staring a hole through Oikawa. “Alright, explain.”

“I was…. I was trying to make you dinner?” His voice rose as he spoke, the tail end of his sentence dropping off like a question. Iwaizumi sighed.

“Dinner?” Iwaizumi glanced past Oikawa to see that there was, in fact, a chicken sitting in the oven, charred black. “How did you even manage- Did you-”

Oikawa hung his head meekly, and somewhere in the back of his head, Iwaizumi registered the fact that the smoke alarm had finally stopped beeping.

“I’ll make it up to you somehow, Iwa-chan, i promise!”

By now, Iwaizumi’s anger had worn down to a mild irritation, and he rubbed at his temples before responding. “No no, don’t worry about it. You didn’t really do much damage anyway, I just have to air this place out for a few hours.”

“Are you sure? We could always just order takeout, I’ll pay.”

“...That sounds safe. Let’s do that.”

-

“Movie?” Oikawa asks later, after they have called for takeout and Iwaizumi has set to work trying to scrape the burnt chicken off of the casserole dish Oikawa used.

“Mmm?” Iwaizumi replied, glancing over his shoulder. Oikawa held up a few movies he had pulled from Iwaizumi’s stash, along with a couple Iwaizumi didn’t recognize. He assumed Oikawa had brought them from Tokyo. “Surprise me. Just don’t pick anything shitty.”

“Iwa-chan! My movies aren’t shitty!”

“Do you even own a movie that isn’t about aliens?”

“That’s irrelevant! And mean, too! Why are you always so mean?”

“I’m not mean, your movies are just shitty.”

Oikawa didn’t respond, just pulled a face. Iwaizumi turned back to the sink, and ten minutes later he could hear the title menu of _Battle for Terra_ from the other room, as well as a knock on the door and the sounds of Oikawa scrambling to get the food.

-

They were half an hour into the movie when Oikawa’s cellphone rang. The display lit up, and Iwaizumi caught a glimpse of Ushijima’s stoic face before Oikawa was apologizing and retreating to the balcony to answer the call. Iwazumi resisted the urge to pause the movie and eavesdrop on the conversation. He shivered, a chill working its way up his spine and threading its icy fingers through the fabric of his shirt. He chalked it up to Oikawa leaving the balcony door open.

_It doesn't mean anything, anyway. He's probably just calling Oikawa about school or practice or something. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything._

Iwaizumi refused to let himself wonder why it was so important.

"Awwww, do you really miss me that much, Ushi-chan?" Oikawa's voice drifted through the open doorway, and Iwaizumi found himself turning the volume down before he knew it. "I'll only be gone for a week, you can live without me."

It sounded almost sickeningly close to the things Oikawa used to say to Iwaizumi. He grimaced.

"Oh, are you really? Well then, I guess you won't have to miss me for too long, then!" That chill ran down Iwaizumi's spine again, and he reached for the remote to turn up the volume. Before he could drown out the sound of Oikawa's voice, though, he heard a litling, "Miss you too, Ushi-chan. See you soon."

Oikawa was confused -and more than a little upset - when he came back to find Iwaizumi in a sour mood. Iwaizumi had made his place on the far end of the couch, looking like he was trying his hardest to act normal but failing completely. The remote was trapped under his hand, and his fingers tapped ceaselessly.

"Iwa-chan, what's wrong?"

Iwaizumi looked up, startled by Oikawa's not-quite-sudden entry. _Something's wrong? Nothing's wrong, why does he think something's wrong? Am I acting weird?_

"Nothing."

"You're lying."

"What? I'm not lying."

Oikawa let out a tense laugh and sat back down. "Mmm, alright, if you say so."

They both turned back to the movie, Oikawa forgetting all about Iwaizumi's weird behavior as soon as the scene shifted. Iwaizumi stole glances to the side every now and then, relishing the deep pit that Oikawa's profile left in his stomach.

-

"Oikawa?"

No response, but Iwaizumi figured he was just too engrossed in the movie to bother with Iwaizumi.

"You know, I was wondering - shit, I don't even know why, but - you and Ushijima."

Still no response, but at this point Iwaizumi was petrified, afraid to look at Oikawa for fear that Oikawa would read his feelings in his eyes.

“What, uh-” Iwaizumi took in a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever truths Oikawa threw at him in response. “What- I mean, are you two, uh, together?”

Silence.

_Shit. I shouldn’t have asked him._

After a long pause, Iwaizumi chanced a look, glancing at Oikawa out of the corner of his eye. He was curled up on the arm of the couch, one hand under his cheek and the other draped loosely off the side. His fingers just barely brushed the carpet. He looked peaceful.

Iwaizumi sighed, more in relief than anything else. _So much for that_. He felt around for the remote and turned off the movie, leaving a blanket on the quietly slumbering figure before retreating into his own room.

-

Love, much like Oikawa himself had, hit Iwaizumi all at once with no warning.

He paused, he actually paused with his fork resting on his bottom lip and his gaze trained on Oikawa. “Fuck.”

“What?”

_Wait did I say that out loud shit I shouldn’t have done that he’s going to ask questions what do I do what do I say I’m notreadyforthiswhatthefuckIcan’tbelieveIlovehimshitfuck_

“I just, uh-” He trailed off and suddenly remembered he had to act like a normal person, too. He set his fork back down on his plate and grabbed the drink by his hand. “I just remembered I have to, uh, study. For a test. At school.”

“...Right. Okay.”

“And I should probably go. Now. Or soon.”

Oikawa glanced down at his plate, then back up. “You took three bites, you’re just going to leave?”

“I’ll, uh. I’ll eat when I get back.”

He got up, despite Oikawa’s protests, and all but ran to the refrigerator to put his plate away. “Wait, Iwa-”

He was out the door before Oikawa could finish his sentence.

-

The university library was cold and empty at this time of night, Iwaizumi’s only company being a group of students huddled around a table at the end of one of the aisles. They paid him no mind as he found a seat as far away as possible and pulled out his phone, flipping through his contacts. _Who can I ask about this?_ His first instinct, of course, was to call Oikawa.

It wasn’t until his finger hovered over the call button that he realized exactly why he couldn’t do that.

Who else could he call? Kindaichi was out of the question, he would just tell Oikawa, and they hadn’t really talked since Iwaizumi had graduated. In fact, he hadn’t really talked to anyone at Seijou since leaving. He felt kind of bad for that, but he shrugged it away. That wasn’t really a pressing concern at the moment.

He was scrolling through contacts so fast, he almost missed Kageyama. Almost.

“Iwaizumi-senpai?” Kageyama's voice sounded tired, and it struck Iwaizumi that he had probably just gotten home from practice.

"Ah, sorry, are you busy? I should let you go-"

"No, it's fine." Terse as ever. Iwaizumi sighed softly. "Iwaizumi-senpai?"

"I, uh. I need advice, I think? You were the first person I called."

"You didn't call Oikawa?"

"No, I uh-" _Deep breath, Hajime_. "I can't."

There was a long moment of silence, in which Iwaizumi ran through about a million different scenarios in his head, before he heard a soft, "Oh."

"Yeah. And I know you used to- You and Oikawa-"

"I see."

"I'm sorry to bother you with this, Kageyama."

"It's fine."

It probably wasn't, but Iwaizumi didn't really have anyone else he could ask.

"I was just wondering," He started, heart hammering in his chest. "How did you tell him?"

Another pause, before Kageyama spoke again. "Well, he already knew. He confronted me about it."

"Oh."

"He's very perceptive, you know that. He probably knows about you, too."

Iwaizumi's heart sank. "You think so?"

"Either that, or he's too blind to figure it out."

"Blind?"

"Iwaizumi-senpai, have you ever thought that he might feel for you too?"

"But what about Ushijima?"

"Ushijima?"

"Yeah, he and Ushijima-"

He was cut off by muffled talking on Kageyama's side of the conversation, followed by a quick, "I have to go, I'm sorry. Best of luck, Iwaizumi-senpai."

The line went dead.

-

It was nearly midnight when Iwaizumi returned, pushing the door open with a soft creak and looking around for any sign of Oikawa. The room was dark, but Iwaizumi could see enough to notice that the kitchen had been cleaned since he left. He padded over to the couch and looked down at Oikawa, who was sleeping peacefully. His blanket had fallen to the floor at some point, and Iwaizumi reached down to fix it. Oikawa shifted, but didn't wake. Iwaizumi let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Oikawa's phone lay on the table, screen lit up. Iwaizumi glanced at it, more on instinct than out of curiosity.

**> 3 New Messages from: Ushijima Wakatoshi**

Iwaizumi shut his eyes, stomach turning. Before he could do anything stupid - or rather, more stupid than anything he had already done - he turned and hurried into his room.

It wasn't until he was in bed that restlessness overtook him, leaving him tossing and turning in his sheets. The moon filtered in through the window, offering none of its usual comfort.

 _I am so, so fucked_ , Iwaizumi thought as he twisted the blanket in his hands, trying to hear Oikawa breathing from his place on the sofa. _This is probably what love is, right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone please help iwaizumi


	3. if my heart beats any harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi reflects on oikawa, except its not much of a reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update: this is going to be longer than three chapters (obv), im thinking about five, and i moved the lyrics to the beginning of chapter one. if you wanna read them for whatever reason, thats where they are!

-

Iwaizumi lived alone, with only his footsteps stirring the dust settled on his floors. He didn’t mind, though. In fact, he enjoyed the quiet; it helped him clear his head.

Still, he was certain his apartment had never been more empty than when he returned from class the next day to find Oikawa gone.

He wasn’t _gone_ gone, and Iwaizumi mentally kicked himself for allowing that split second of panic. His bag was still there next to the couch, his obnoxious sunglasses still on the kitchen counter. Beside the sunglasses sat a note, hastily scribbled on a crumpled receipt.

_Iwa-chan ~_

_Seijou has a practice match tonight, I left to watch it! I’ll be back late, so don’t wait up, alright?_

_\- Oikawa <3_

Iwaizumi sighed, his brow furrowing and his nose wrinkling at the realization of just how bad he actually had it. Was this really what love was like? He hated it. He took the note, crumpling it in his fist and dropping it in the trash can. Amid the wrinkles and creases, he could still see the heart Oikawa had drawn next to his name, cold and taunting.

_He probably didn’t mean it like that. Shit._

He thought again about Ushijima - “Ushi-chan” - and grimaced. More than ever, he regretted not asking Oikawa what their relationship was. This was too much for him to handle. He wasn’t cut out for love, or at least for loving Oikawa. He wasn’t sure anyone was really cut out for loving Oikawa.

_Except maybe Ushijima._

Iwaizumi stopped that train of thought before it could become something more dangerous, doing an abrupt about-face and heading back out to meet Oikawa.

The air outside was cold, and Iwaizumi pulled his jacket tight around him as soon as he stepped out into the open. Down the stairs, he could see two children playing with a basketball. They looked happy. He smiled fondly, ignoring the pangs in his chest. One of them even resembled Oikawa a bit, with fluffy brown hair and an ever-present grin. Iwaizumi’s chest grew tighter and tighter as he drew closer.

He passed by them, in the end, without incident. No collapsing, no clutching at his windbreaker or gasping for air at the thought of Oikawa. _I can do this_ , he thought, picking up his stride until he was nearly jogging down the sidewalk. _I’ll be fine. It’ll pass._

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t.

The walk to the school was memorized - even though Iwaizumi lived in a different part of Miyagi now, he knew how to get there from just about anywhere in town. The sun was setting, casting rays of gold and orange light over the trees lining the sidewalk. There weren't many people out at this time of the evening, and Iwaizumi found the walk almost peaceful. It was still cold, though, the air just crisp enough to bite at the tip of his reddening nose. He pulled his jacket tighter around him.

As Aoba Jousai came into sight - had it really looked this small when Iwaizumi went there? It looked miniscule - Iwaizumi felt his gut twist painfully. A breeze blew past him, ruffling his hair and making goosebumps rise on his arms. Something was wrong; he didn't know what exactly, but he could feel it. He looked around for any sign of Oikawa, feet carrying him to the gym more on instinct and habit than on actual want to see the practice match. It wasn't until he was outside the double doors that he remember this is what Oikawa came for, too.

The game was loud, the sound of leather hitting the floor and the squeak of sneakers audible even from far away. Iwaizumi pushed open the door as quietly as he could, not wanting to distract anyone. He looked around for any sign of Oikawa.

_Maybe he stepped out?_

The shriek of the whistle startled Iwaizumi, and he looked towards the court to see that Seijou had won. Kindaichi walked towards Iwaizumi, collar of his shirt lifted to wipe the gleaming sweat off his forehead.

“Iwaizumi-senpai? Did you come to see the game? You just missed Oikawa, I thought he was leaving to meet you.”

“Oikawa was here?”

“Yeah, with one of his friends. They came to watch the game but I guess they had to go.”

 _One of his friends?_ Iwaizumi’s stomach clenched again, his chest throbbing with a dull ache that he realized had probably been there for hours. He could hear Oikawa, laughing his stupid bubbly laugh with that stupid almost-fake grin painted on his face. Too late, he realized he had forgotten to reply to Kindaichi.

“Iwaizumi-senpai? Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Just cold. Who was Oikawa with?”

Kindaichi shrugged. “Dunno. Someone from Shiratorizawa, I think. We played them today. He looked familiar, can’t say I know him though.”

“Shiratorizawa,” he echoed, staring blankly at Kindaichi.

“Are you sure you’re okay, senpai? You look kind of sick, maybe you should go home and rest. If Oikawa comes back, I’ll let him know you were-”

“Don’t,” Iwaizumi interrupted. “Don’t. I’ll tell him myself. I’m going to go.”

Kindaichi gave him a sympathetic look, but patted him on the shoulder anyway. “You do that. Come back and visit when you feel better, we all miss you here.” He glanced over his shoulder, at the rest of the team. “I have to go, sorry. I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“...Yeah.”

Iwaizumi left with a quick wave, hurrying out the gymnasium doors as if Oikawa would reappear at any moment.

-

To be honest, Iwaizumi wasn’t completely sure why he didn’t go back home. Partly, he was afraid Oikawa would be there. Iwaizumi didn’t want to confront him, didn’t want to see him for fear of setting off whatever this was that had been growing in the crevices of his aching chest. He couldn’t handle Oikawa right now.

Funnily enough, though, Iwaizumi was more afraid that Oikawa wouldn’t be there.

The only thing he could do then, logically, was not go home. He would leave Oikawa to his own devices, a Schrodinger’s cat to be speculated over but not confirmed. Iwaizumi thought of what Oikawa was probably doing and shivered, more from his own discomfort than from the chill.

He wasn’t really sure where he was going, trusting his feet to carry him away from Aoba Jousai and away from anything that would strengthen the claws in his chest. It was dark already, the sun had gone down hours before, and Iwaizumi comforted himself by watching his shadows shift under the yellow streetlights. Occasionally, a car would pass by, stirring up a cold gust of wind and breaking the heavy silence. In the distance, Iwaizumi watched a woman step gingerly onto the pavement to put out an armful of flattened cardboard boxes. He put his hands in his pockets and kept pressing forward.

Iwaizumi liked taking walks, it calmed him - usually. The thing about walking alone, though, was that he found himself thinking too much. The silence was heavy, pressing in on his ears and his head and his chest despite the ever-constant humming of the power lines above him. He looked up at the stars.

_Why don’t I just go home? Face this before it gets any worse._

_What if he’s freaked out?_

_He wouldn’t be, he knows me too well. He’d play it off._

_Would he really? Do you know him still? He’s changed since moving to Tokyo._

_No he hasn’t. He’s still the same Oikawa. Right?_

_Do you know what he does there? Who he’s around? Does he tell you anything, anymore?_

Iwaizumi ground to a halt, inches away from colliding with the side of a building. His train of thought vanished, leaving a sinking feeling in the ever-growing cavity between his ribs. He looked up at the building in front of him, studying the familiar red brick siding.

_This is Oikawa’s old house._

He backed away and stepped out of the glow of the streetlight before someone could see him and possibly recognize him.

_I should probably go back._

-

He opened the door as silently as he could, but it wouldn’t have made much difference. The apartment was empty.

Oikawa was gone.

-

It was nearly two in the morning when the door creaked open. It took all of Iwaizumi’s willpower not to look up from his textbook. His hand shook, pen making stray marks on his notebook, but he didn’t bother trying to still himself. It was clear, from the heavy footsteps and the way the door shut carelessly - it sounded like a gunshot in the still air of the apartment - that Oikawa wasn’t all there. Iwaizumi’s suspicions were confirmed when Oikawa leaned over him, draping his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck and breathing hot and heavy in his ear.

“Iwa-chaaaaaan,” he said, whining his name in a way that had Iwaizumi’s pulse racing and head pounding. “Why’re you still up?”

“You’re drunk.”

“No ‘m not.”

“Yes you are. Get off me.” Iwaizumi shut his eyes, trying to block out the feeling of Oikawa’s skin on his.

“So mean, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whined, but he got up all the same. “Why’re you always so mean?”

“Drink some water,” he replied, mostly because he didn’t want to think about what Oikawa had been doing, how he had gotten into the state he was in.

“Don’t waannaaa.”

“Drink some water, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi gripped the pen so tightly he was sure it would break, knuckles white against the black in his hand against the white of the paper. He drew lines to calm himself - the first one shaky, the second shakier, the third closer to straight than before. He took a deep breath.

“You’re not m’ mom, Iwa-chan”

 _So who is? Ushijima?_ He grit his teeth, knowing that voicing his thoughts would only make things worse. “That doesn’t mean I don’t fucking _care_.”

He couldn’t see Oikawa, but he knew what that silence meant. Some part of him figured that his outburst did more to sober Oikawa up than a glass of ice water would have, but the rest of him couldn’t give less of a shit.

“Iwa-chan?”

“Could you _stop_ ,” he ground out, eyes shut tight and _Ushi-chan, Ushi-chan_ swimming through his head, “calling me Iwa-chan already?”

“...Iwaizumi? Is something wrong?”

Somehow, that was worse. Hearing such a formal name slide from Oikawa’s liquor-loosened lips felt like a stab wound, piercing his ribs and sitting heavy on top of his heart like a stone.

“I’m going to bed,” he said abruptly, standing up and stalking away in the direction of his bedroom door. Oikawa tried to follow him, tripping over his own feet. Iwaizumi felt a sort of guilty satisfaction at that.

“Iwaizumi wait- Iwa-”

Iwazumi shut his door and collapsed against it, back resting against the cold wood. Outside he could hear Oikawa shuffling closer, footsteps coming to a halt on the other side of the barrier.

“Iwa-ch- Iwaizumi, what’s going on with you?”

There was a dull thud against the other side of the door, and Iwaizumi wondered if Oikawa had kicked it, or hit it, or just leaned forward and knocked his head against it.

“ _Hajime_ ,” Oikawa said brokenly, and Iwaizumi’s heart froze in his throat. He didn’t respond.

-

He left the room at four, throat too dry from the tears that he refused to admit he shed. He nearly tripped over Oikawa, who was curled up in the hallway right in front of the doorway. He looked peaceful, all traces of his earlier drunkenness gone, one arm curled up under his head and his other hand holding his phone close to his chest.

Iwaizumi noticed the notification while he was opening the fridge - he always kept his phone in the kitchen to charge, it was inconvenient for him to have to look for the cable all the time - and he glanced over at the screen to read it.

**> 12 new messages from: Oikawa Tooru**

He left the phone there - he didn't dare read a word Oikawa had said -  and disappeared into his room without a glance back.

Oikawa woke the next morning in the hallway, a blanket draped carefully over him, wondering just what had happened the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, iwaizumi. a heart is a heavy burden to bear.


	4. now i'm haunted by all these holes found in my armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi realizes some things, except he doesnt really

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one week, im on a roll (also known as i overuse italics someone help me)

Pretending nothing had happened the night before was surprisingly easy, considering Oikawa didn’t remember a second of it. He hummed quietly as he poured himself a bowl of cereal (probably the only thing he could make himself without destroying the entire kitchen). Iwaizumi marveled at the fact that he saw no signs of a hangover. How often did Oikawa do this? How used to it was he?

_I really don’t know anything about him anymore, do I?_

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa called from the kitchen, and the name leaves a bitter taste in the back of Iwaizumi’s throat, “you don’t have class until later today, do you?”

He resisted the urge to look back, because he was sitting on the couch and the resonance of Oikawa’s voice reminded him all too much of last night - _Don’t bring it up, Hajime, he doesn’t remember it_ \- and settled for gripping the television remote just a little bit harder. On screen, pixelated people scrambled around an obstacle course to an upbeat tune. He changed the channel, then turned the television off altogether. “No, but I have to go out today. Errands. And studying.”

“Awwww, you’re always so busy now, Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi could hear the pout in his voice, laced with that fake joking tone he always had.

Iwaizumi wasn’t sure if he heard the hurt in Oikawa’s voice, or if he was just imagining it.

-

The university library was busier than it had been the last time Iwaizumi was there, and as soon as he walked in he made a beeline for the nearest empty table and pulled out his books. He hadn’t lied to Oikawa, he really did need to study, but more than that he was just relieved to be out of the apartment. Oikawa’s presence had begun to feel suffocating, pressing in on Iwaizumi’s chest until even breathing seemed nearly impossible. It was better, Iwaizumi figured, to be somewhere with distraction.

“Is this seat taken?”

Iwaizumi looked up from his notebook to meet gleaming gray eyes and a mop of shaggy hair.

“Sugawara-san?”

“Thought that looked like you. What are you doing here?”

“I go to school here, I’m surprised I haven’t seen you around yet.”

“Oh, I don’t go here,” Sugawara said with a blinding grin. “I’m just in town and I’m bringing something by for Asahi.”

 _That makes sense._ Iwaizumi vaguely remembered seeing Karasuno’s old ace around campus before. It was strange, how much of the rivalry had disappeared as soon as they graduated. _Well, it wasn’t like we ever actually hated each other. We just played against each other._

“Anyway, how have you been? I haven’t seen you since high school, have I?”

“I’ve been okay,” Iwaizumi replied uncomfortably, “Just kind of getting through, I guess.”

_This small talk is irritating._

“I wonder where Daichi is,” Sugawara said absently, more to himself than to anyone else. “He said he would meet me here.”

“You and Daichi have been together for a while, haven’t you?” Iwaizumi vaguely remembered hearing about it during high school, in some bit of gossip someone on the team had heard. Sugawara blushed almost imperceptibly.

“Yeah, we have. Funny thing though, I didn’t even know he liked me at first. He was being so dodgy, I thought he was mad at me for a while.”

“Oh, really? What fixed that?”

“Oh, we just talked it out. I asked him about it eventually, and he just told me. We’ve been just fine ever since!”

Iwaizumi nodded, chest twisting painfully a little.

“Do you think-”

“Suga!”

Iwaizumi and Sugawara turned at the same time to see Daichi approaching their table, smile plastered on his face and a grocery bag in one hand.

“Daichi! Look who I found in here!”

“Iwaizumi-san? Man, I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Mmm.”

“Sorry, but Suga and I should probably go. We have somewhere we need to be.”

“Oh, right! Sorry about that, Iwaizumi-san, I’ll see you around!”

“See you,” Iwaizumi replied, but they were already walking off, hands linked. His chest grew tighter as he watched them, something about what Sugawara had said sitting heavy between his ribs.

He closed his books and left the library.

-

There was a cafe by the university, a few blocks from the campus, that Iwaizumi visited sometimes. It was a quaint place, with soft lighting and softer music. There was a table in the very back of the room that he always sat in when he came, whether it was for lunch or just for a drink.

The barista waved at him when he came in, a bright-looking girl Iwaizumi had seen a few times. He didn’t remember her name, but she never seemed to mind.

“What can I get for you, sir?” she asked, grinning as she waited for Iwaizumi’s reply.

“Just a coffee. Black.” Iwaizumi leaned over and grabbed a wrapped sandwich from the display, holding it up for the girl to see. “And this.”

“Sounds good, I’ll have your coffee ready in just a second.”

Iwaizumi slid a few bills over the counter and headed for his table.

-

He was halfway through his coffee when he saw Ushijima.

His first instinct was to get up and leave, but he couldn’t do that without drawing attention to himself; Ushijima was between him and the door.

His second instinct was to fight down the envy boiling under his skin.

Ushijima didn’t look like anything special, Iwaizumi thought. Sure, he had a nice physique from playing volleyball, but so did just about everyone else Oikawa talked to. He had a bit of shadow along his jawline, and Iwaizumi reached up absentmindedly to feel his own cheek.

Ushijima turned.

_Fuck, don’t notice me, don’t-_

“Iwaizumi?”

_Shit._

“Ushijima, I didn’t expect to see you here.” Iwaizumi tried to keep the venom out of his voice as much as possible, not wanting to cause a scene. Ushijima smelled like cologne, Iwaizumi noticed as he came closer.

“I was just passing by.”

Iwaizumi’s stomach twisted as he motioned for Ushijima to sit down, common courtesy winning out over the fire working its way through his skin. “I see.”

“So,” Ushijima said as he sat down, and a feeling of dread washed over Iwaizumi. “How is Oikawa?”

_Do you even have to ask?_

“You tell me,” Iwaizumi shot back bitterly. “You saw him yesterday.”

“Yeah, and he was a mess.”

“Whose fault is that?”

Ushijima sighed. “How is he today?”

“Better.”

“That’s good.”

Iwaizumi felt like he couldn’t breathe. The flames were lapping at his neck now, threatening to singe him.

“Why doesn’t he just stay with you, if you’re back in town?”

Ushijima sat up a little straighter, looking surprised.

“Me? Why would he stay with me?”

“Why _wouldn’t_ he stay with you?”

Iwaizumi glared at Ushijima as his eyes snapped open just a little wider.

“Iwaizumi, he hasn’t told you yet, has he?”

“Told me what?” _They have secrets. Of course they have secrets._

Ushijima stood up. “If he hasn’t said anything, I won’t say it for him. Try asking him yourself.” With that, he turned and walked out, leaving a very confused, very irritated Iwaizumi behind.

He checked his watch. _5:24_ , the dial read. _Shit, I have class._

-

“What the _hell?_ ” Oikawa said as soon as Iwaizumi opened the apartment door, and Iwaizumi’s first thought was  _I can’t fucking handle any more right now_. He pushed past Oikawa and headed towards his room, but Oikawa grabbed him by the arm.

“What is it, Oikawa?”

“Why are you being so dodgy? Did I do something?”

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, _really_ looked at him for the first time all day. His eyes were puffy, tears threatening to spill over the corners and down his cheeks. His nose was red, and Iwaizumi couldn’t tell if he had been crying or if he was just intoxicated again. His hair was unstyled, brown locks falling in a mess against his flushed cheeks.

“Are you drunk again?”

“What? No, I just want you to tell me what the hell is going on. Is this because of the kitchen thing?”

“It’s not the-”

“Is it because I’m here? Did you not want me here?”

“Oikawa, that isn’t-”

“What did I _do_ , Hajime?”

Iwaizumi stopped. Some part of him remembered the night before, the soft thump against his bedroom door and the broken _Hajime_ Oikawa had murmured.

“Does this have something to do with me being in Tokyo? Are you worried or something? Because I promise, Ushijima is making sure I stay out of trouble and don’t get-”

 _Ushijima_. Iwaizumi’s eyes narrowed, and before he could stop himself he was yanking his arm out of Oikawa’s grasp. “Of course he is, he’s _Ushijima_ ,” he spat, and Oikawa took a step back like he had been hit.

“What do you-”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Iwaizumi said, too deep into the frustration and anguish to care if he was shouting or not. “It’s always _fucking Ushi-chan_ , Oikawa, don’t even try to act like it isn’t.”

“Iwa-”

“Are you going to call me Iwa-chan? Why not Hajime? Why not just fucking Iwaizumi, because I obviously don’t know you anymore!”

“You’re being ridiculous, are you even listening to yourself?”

“You showed up _drunk_ last night, Oikawa. At two in the morning. Does that sound like the Oikawa I know?”

“I can explain that, okay?”

“Oh, _please_ enlighten me. I can’t wait to hear this one. Were you out with Ushijima again?”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes you fucking were, Kindaichi told me you two had left the Seijou game together-”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t with him _at two in the morning!_ ”

Iwaizumi folded his arms, glaring at Oikawa. “Alright, so why the hell were you drunk out of your mind then?”

“I wasn’t _that_ drunk!”

“Oikawa, you don’t even _remember_ what happened last night.”

“See, all you ever do is get mad at me. If you didn’t want me here you should have just said so and I wouldn’t have-”

“When did I ever say that?”

“You haven’t said it, but you sure as hell act like it!” Oikawa was advancing on Iwaizumi now, backing him into the corner between the kitchen and the hallway. Iwaizumi felt trapped, trapped between Oikawa’s burning eyes and the icy wall. “We’re in the same house and you don’t even _talk_ to me!”

“It’s not like you need me to talk to you anyway," Iwaizumi snapped back. "You’ve got better than me now.”

“What are you talking about? Who the hell else do you think I have besides you? You’re all I’ve ever had!” Oikawa stepped forward again, close enough now that Iwaizumi could feel his hot breath, and dropped his head to rest on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. He fisted his hands in the thin material of Iwaizumi’s jacket and croaked out a shaky, “ _You’re all I’ve ever had, Hajime._ ”

Iwaizumi’s response caught in his throat, all accusations dying on his lips the second he felt Oikawa’s touch. It burned his skin, through the layers of fabric, and he resisted the urge to pull away. He could feel Oikawa shaking, pulling his jacket and whispering his name between silent sobs. He felt moisture on his shoulder, and it took him a moment to realize Oikawa was crying. He itched to hold Oikawa, to wrap his arms around him and kiss the tears from his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to. All he could do, after a long minute of trying to get his brain to work his arms again, was pat Oikawa on the back awkwardly.

The second Oikawa felt Iwaizumi’s hand, he jerked back with a quiet hiss and stepped away like he had been burned. “Fuck, sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No, Oikawa, it’s-”

“I should- I’m gonna go.” Iwaizumi could hear the sobs he was choking back, could see the tears that shone wet on his face.

Iwaizumi tried to reach forward and grab his arm, but Oikawa was already across the room, grabbing his duffel from beside the couch and leaving Iwaizumi’s apartment keys in his place.

“Oikawa, please-”

 _Click_.

Oikawa was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get your shit together, iwaizumi


	5. tomorrow we'll start new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end of it all

It had been an hour and a half - an hour and a half of pacing, biting fingernails down to stubs, checking and re-checking his phone - when Ushijima called.

Iwaizumi's fingers shook, but his voice was steady as he answered with a terse, "Hello?"

"Iwaizumi, what's wrong with Oikawa?"

His heart sank. "Oikawa's there?"

"He's crying. He won't stop asking for you."

_I shouldn't have let him go._

"I'll be there in ten minutes. Same house?"

"Yeah." Almost as an afterthought, he added, "Hurry, before your boyfriend hurts himself."

_Boyfriend? What?_

"My- What?"

"Your boyfriend. Is he not?"

"Aren't you two..?" Iwaizumi's head was swimming, pounding, and all the only coherent thought he could form was _they aren't together_.

"Me? You thought I was dating Oikawa?" A wheezy, hoarse sound crackled through the phone speaker, and it took Iwaizumi a second to realize Ushijima was laughing. "You're denser than I am, aren't you?"

"I'm..?"

"Just come get Oikawa. I'm sure he'll explain everything. I'll get him some water while we wait."

Ushijima hung up, and Iwaizumi counted the seconds, dragging by like they were being pulled through molasses, before he took the phone down from his face. Grabbing the keys Oikawa had left and pulling on a jacket, he hurried out of the door and into the night.

The air was cold, streetlights blinking on and off as Iwaizumi jogged to his car. He didn’t drive it very often - he had no need to - but he figured it would be a better bet than taking the hour to walk to Ushijima’s house. The icy metal bit at his hands as he opened the door, sliding into the seat and jamming the key into the ignition before he even got his feet inside the car. It sputtered to life under his hands in a chorus of wheezes and groans. Fuck, he really needed a new car.

The way to Ushijima’s house was unfamiliar, but Iwaizumi tried his best to remember where it was. He could see himself and Oikawa on the sidewalk, Oikawa walking backwards and pulling Iwaizumi by the hand. _“Come on, Iwa-chan, just one little prank! I found out where Ushiwaka-chan lives,”_ he had said, that shit-eating grin ever present on his face.

 _“Don’t be immature,”_ Iwaizumi had replied.

The street was dark now, no specters of his first year self on the concrete or anywhere else. Oikawa wasn’t there in the street, he was curled up at Ushijima’s house crying. _Because of me._

He drove faster.

-

Oikawa was sitting on the pavement outside of Ushijima’s house, looking absolutely miserable. Ushijima stood on the porch, beckoning for Oikawa to come inside, but there was no response. Oikawa simply stared forward, expressionless,  as Iwaizumi pulled up and came to a stop. He all but fell out of the car, hurrying across the street and throwing his jacket over Oikawa’s shoulders.

“Oikawa? Oikawa, can you hear me? Are you alright?”

Oikawa turned his face up to Iwaizumi’s, eyes red and puffy but emotionless, blank. As soon as he registered who was standing in front of him, Oikawa shuddered and took a deep breath.

“Haj-” He croaked out, stopping before he could get the name out of his mouth. “Iwaizumi?”

_Fuck. This is my fault._

“He had water,” Ushijima called from the top of the steps. “He won’t come back inside. Can you handle him?”

Iwaizumi nodded in response, and Ushijima tossed a last pitiful look at Oikawa before disappearing back into his house.

“Iwaizumi,” Oikawa called again, voice louder but still shaky. He heaved a dry sob, curling into the jacket Iwaizumi had wrapped around him. Iwaizumi leaned down, cupping Oikawa’s cold face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together.

“Just Hajime is fine, you know.”

His words seemed to draw Oikawa out of whatever trance he was in, because he surged forward, dropping his head to Iwaizumi’s shoulder and fisting his hands into Iwaizumi’s shirt once again (he remembered, painfully, what had happened the last time Oikawa had done this) and whispered a soft, unsteady _Hajime_ against the skin beneath his lips.

Iwaizumi’s heart broke.

“Fuck, Tooru,” he murmured, lips next to Oikawa’s ear, hand stroking his head comfortingly. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Oikawa shook in his arms, clutching onto the shirt in his arms like a lifeline. There were no tears - Iwaizumi was sure he had cried himself out long before - but he shook with silent, dry sobs. They stayed there like that, outside of Ushijima’s house, for what seemed like a lifetime. The cold bit at Iwaizumi’s bare arms but he didn’t notice; his skin burned wherever he and Oikawa touched.

Eventually, after what felt like hours or minutes or maybe days (Iwaizumi couldn’t tell), Oikawa stopped shaking. His breaths evened out, and he even went so far as to loosen his grip on Iwaizumi’s shirt the slightest bit. Iwaizumi felt the separation as clearly as if Oikawa had been ripped from his arms.

“Let’s go, yeah?” Iwaizumi asked softly, voice hoarse from lack of use. He pulled at Oikawa’s shoulders gently, urging him to get up. Oikawa’s legs were unsteady, and he slipped the first time he tried to stand. Using Iwaizumi as a crutch for his tired body, he hobbled across the street to the car. Iwaizumi helped him inside, pulling the jacket from off his back and laying it over him like a blanket. Oikawa pulled it up, burying his face in it and curling into himself to get away from the cold. Iwaizumi didn’t think he had ever loved Oikawa more. He started the car.

The clock on the dashboard read 11:59, and Iwaizumi watched the numbers shift as midnight crept up on the world.

-

The apartment was warm, a blessing to Iwaizumi and Oikawa the second they stepped inside. Shutting the door, Iwaizumi led Oikawa over to the couch and sat him down. He made to get up, to head to his room and get some warm clothes or maybe blankets - Oikawa was still shivering, clinging to Iwaizumi’s jacket like it was his lifeline - but a tug on his shirt stopped him.

“Stay,” Oikawa whispered, the first word he had said since leaving Ushijima’s house. Iwaizumi didn’t have the strength or the will to argue.

Oikawa curled up against him when he sat down, and Iwaizumi noticed with a shiver just how cold he really was. He looked around for a blanket, for anything to drape over them. The only thing he could reach without getting up was his jacket, which Oikawa still clutched to his chest.

“Oikawa,” he whispered, nudging Oikawa’s shoulder softly. “I have to get up.”

“Stay,” Oikawa mumbled again, sounding more wretched than the first time he had spoken. “Please, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi nudged him again. “Can you get up with me, then? Just to the bedroom, so you can get warm.”

Hesitantly, Oikawa nodded, prying himself up from Iwaizumi’s side like he had been glued down. Iwaizumi led him to the bedroom with one arm looped around his shoulders, pulling him close. Oikawa leaned into him as they walked, and even after the events of the day his scent still comforted Iwaizumi.

Oikawa didn’t pull away from him until they were already in the room, and he crawled under the covers of Iwaizumi’s bed with a sort of methodical numbness that suggested he wasn’t quite as okay as he thought he was. Iwaizumi stepped away, planning to turn on the light or go get another blanket or maybe some clothes for Oikawa to change into, but a pained whine came from beneath the blankets.

“Hajime,” Oikawa said, in that voice that was raw and ragged and tearstained, and Iwaizumi figured that whatever he thought was more important than this could wait, because Oikawa was hurt and he had to fucking help him because _this was his fault._

He crawled into the bed, circling his arms around Oikawa and drawing him close. Oikawa let out a long, slow breath, tangling his legs with Iwaizumi’s and relaxing in his embrace. Somewhere outside, an owl hooted. Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, in all his imperfect beauty, with his eyes still swollen and his hair splayed out messily over his forehead and the pillow.

“Does this mean you don’t hate me, then?” Oikawa asked, feigning playfulness even though he knew the pained laugh he gave afterwards gave him away. Iwaizumi’s eyes widened.

“Oh god,” Iwaizumi breathed. “Tooru, I never hated you.” He shifted forward, pressing his forehead against Oikawa’s. “I could never hate you.”

Oikawa’s lips twitched up into a smile, bittersweet and accompanied by tears that pricked at the corners of his eyes. “That’s… That’s good, right? I don’t know what I’d do if you ever hated me.” He let out another shaky laugh. “I just love you too much, I guess.”

Iwaizumi fell silent, not really sure what to do. Oikawa’s face was half bathed in moonlight streaming from the window, the only source of light in the darkened room. His eyelashes were longer than Iwaizumi had ever realized. _Have they always been that long?_ He blinked, as if he could feel Iwaizumi’s stare burning into his skin.

“You love me too, right?”

Iwaizumi thought of nothing but Oikawa, of every opportunity Oikawa had taken to worm his way into his life in order to bring them to this moment.

“Of course.”

“Good,” Oikawa said, smiling that same bittersweet smile as he pulled the blanket up and over their heads. The world was plunged into darkness, Iwaizumi’s small world that consisted only of himself and Oikawa and the breath that filled the space between them. “Close your eyes, okay?”

-

The first brush of lips was soft, almost imperceptible. It was there, and then it wasn’t, and Iwaizumi would be lying if he said he didn’t chase Oikawa’s warmth when he pulled away. He tasted like tears, leaving a salty tang that Iwaizumi found when flicked his tongue out to lick his lips.

The second was longer, barely, lasting only a second, but it was long enough for Iwaizumi to register the softness of Oikawa’s lips, the way he took a deep breath through his nose before making contact, the way his lips parted ever so slightly just before he broke the kiss. If Iwaizumi could see, he would have followed the way Oikawa drew his bottom lip into his mouth, gnawing at it for a fraction of a second before he released it, soft and red against white teeth.

The third, Oikawa did not initiate. Iwaizumi reached up, felt around until he had one hand at the nape of Oikawa’s neck, pulling him forward to kiss once more. He felt Oikawa relax into his arms, pulling himself and Iwaizumi closer together and looping one arm around Iwaizumi to card fingers through his hair. His scent was intoxicating, filling the small, dark space they had made for themselves beneath the blankets, and Iwaizumi wondered why he hadn’t let himself do this before.

Oikawa was everywhere, filling all of Iwaizumi’s senses with a burning need, enveloping him in comfort and love and pure want all at once. He realized he was hardening and willed down the erection, not wanting to scare off Oikawa or pressure him into anything. His lips no longer tasted like tears, only heat and moisture and something so very _Oikawa_ that it made Iwaizumi’s head spin.

As Oikawa licked at the seam of his lips, prodding it with his tongue to demand entry, Iwaizumi shifted his leg between Oikawa’s. Oikawa froze up immediately, letting out a small groan and sinking back into the kiss with more force than before. Iwaizumi could feel Oikawa growing against his thigh, could feel himself responding in kind to the harsh pants falling from the other’s lips. Without warning, he ground his hips up into Oikawa’s.

“Shit, Hajime-”

“Shhhhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, I got you.”

They were rocking together now, rutting against each other in a way that had Iwaizumi’s name dripping from Oikawa’s tongue. Sweat gleamed on Iwaizumi’s brow, but he didn’t dare push the blanket off from over their heads for fear of ruining whatever this was that they had found. It was still dark beneath the covers, and Iwaizumi had no visual warning when he felt Oikawa’s fingers go from carding through his hair to gently tugging at it. Iwaizumi gasped, hips stuttering before settling into a steadily growing rhythm. Oikawa went from pants to groans, not kissing Iwaizumi anymore but simply letting his parted lips rest against Iwaizumi’s.

“ _Haijime_ ,” Oikawa moaned, and it was that that tipped Iwaizumi over the edge, feeling his release coat the insides of his briefs. Oikawa followed not long after with a soft groan, dropping his head into the hollow where Iwaizumi’s neck met his collarbone.

“That was gross, Iwa-chan,” he said after a long while, when Iwaizumi’s briefs had started to become tacky and uncomfortable. His teasing tone was back, tired as it was, and Iwaizumi had never been happier to hear it.

“If you let me up, I can get towels and clothes,” Iwaizumi responded, not making any plan to actually move from where he and Oikawa lay entwined.

“Hmmmmm, in a little bit. I can deal with this for now.”

Iwaizumi smiled into the soft kiss that followed. “If you say so.”

“Oh, also?”

“What is it?”

Oikawa laughed softly, kissing Iwaizumi again. He’d been doing that a lot in the past hour. “I love you, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi smiled.

“I love you too, Tooru.”

-

“You don’t have to leave, you know.”

Oikawa laughed at Iwaizumi’s statement, sticking his tongue out and pulling a face. “Oh, are you being clingy, Iwa-chan? That isn’t like you.”

“Shut up, Oikawa. Shittykawa.”

“Aww, you don’t mean that, do you?”

Iwaizumi sighed. _I really don’t._

He didn’t answer though, just leaned in to kiss Oikawa again. Somehow, it felt normal, like they had been doing this for years. Iwaizumi supposed they had, in a way. He felt Oikawa smile against his lips.

He smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy, its finally done! i hope youve all enjoyed reading this as much as ive enjoyed writing it! ive got some good things planned out for my next work, i hope you'll all stick around to see whats coming up c: for now, enjoy the last chapter!
> 
> and again, comments and kudos are what i live for, and you can always find me on tumblr [here](http://akaashx.tumblr.com)!

**Author's Note:**

> as always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated, and my tumblr is [here](http://akaashx.tumblr.com)!


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